Get Burnt or Get Frozen

The second week of classes/work killed me. Headaches back to back... Can't smile the way I want to, can't speak loudly the way I want to. It seems like when I don't think about classes and work I can have a good time, but as soon as I think of projects, homework, reading, coding, etc. My soul feels so heavy... its whimpering... saying that "its too hard, its too rough, lets quit now before we get burnt and the scar won't go away."

Then I turn to the Lord, and today I saw myself as a beggar in the morning walking towards class. I never realized that most of my prayers I'm begging to ask, begging to seek, begging to knock. I'm a beggar constantly wanting to see Him, be with Him. Begging for my sins to be washed away, begging for a second chance at His Word.

But right [now] I feel blind and frozen. I'm frozen because I can't see the path I'm supposed to walk nor I don't know where "forward" is.

"Would you open up my eyes and show me the light. Take me away from this place. Would you open up my eyes and show me the light, cause I cannot make it alone... I need.. I need You, I need, YES, I need You... to free me."

Now its the third week and I feel a weight beyond measure on my mind, body, and soul. Feel so restless, no matter how much rest I get, I feel like I haven't rested in weeks. Is this the season of non-resting? Is this the season for me to be burnt and look towards God for my energy, my life, my all? Is this the very reason why I feel this way? I don't even know.

I just know I feel like a beggar... sitting... waiting... wishing to be free from this scar, from this pain of being frozen in place.

I feel dehydrated, I feel empty, darkened... I feel sick and weak. Where has my strength gone?!

O' God, my God! Why am I being discouraged when I have You with me? Why do I feel like my body is drying up and about to turn into ash? Why does this heavy layer of fog blind my vision from seeing the glorious light that You radiate? I want to rest in the freedom that You have given me. GUIDE ME to find the joy in You again! I don't want to work salvation out of my knees. I want to receive salvation FOR my knees, so that my soul can finally find rest in You. You know my hearts longs, you know my soul thirsts for more of You. Cause I want is You and all I need is to be here with You my God! I'm so desperate... for Your fire, cause Your my one desire Jesus, so please don't pass me by my God!

I am now

Lord,

You tell me to come to you when I'm weary, when I'm dry, when I'm thirsty, when I'm hungry, when I'm burnt out.

I come to You tonight weary, dry, thirsty, hungry, and burnt out. Bring me back to Your arms. Hold me now.

I don't deserve rest, I don't deserve mercy or grace or love. BUT I WANT IT! I NEED IT!!

I can't do this on my own, I can't even do this if the whole world helped me. Only with You can I survive, only with You can I breathe fresh and clean air.

I wish I could, I wish I was, and I wish I am....
I desire One and Only One thing and that is to be in Your presence. Because I know that if I'm there in Your presence, nothing can shake me, nothing can tear me apart, nothing can defeat the victory that has been won on the cross of calvary!

Lord, teach me and guide me back to Your presence, I feeeeeel so dang alone, I desire to be with You and I desire to bow down in front of Your feet and wash them, as you washed mine!

LORD WILL YOU LEAD ME TO TAKE UP MY CROSS AND FOLLOW WHEREVER YOU GO!, cause, the person I am is now.