Always Remember

Good evening gmail blogger :D, I haven't wrote on here for a while ^^

I remember having those long night talks, well actually they weren't very long haha, always ended before 10pm. I remember while chatting here and there, I would say to myself "Dang, you got lots of friends!" or like "POPULAR!" haha. Its quite interesting how things turned up, interesting indeed. I keep asking this question in my head, "What do I truly feel?"

Honestly... what do I truly feel? I can't tell... or is it that I just don't want to face the truth? Perhaps I am scared. Its just that I keep lying to myself yah? LOL. I still don't know.

Christmas was quite a interesting one this year for myself. Coughing, sick, fun. Yet it didn't really feel like "Christmas", it felt like usual, the same kind of Christmas that I usually have :D. Which is really restful.

I tried changing things up, but you know, it didn't really work out that way. I can recall thinking about calling you and saying "MERRRRRRRY CHRISTMAS!", but I was like "nah, its troublesome to you. It'll bother you." Even though I know if I told you that, you wouldn't say its bothersome to you, but I know it is.

Now new years is coming along, always around the same time, always around the same month, and always around the same weather. It seems like I'm in this cycle, in this weird 365.25 day cycle. But for some reason, everyday is different, too different to call it similar to yesterday or even the past.

I wonder where this feeling has been hiding, or was I just too numb to realize it?

There are thoughts flowing in my head that starts to swirl, like a whirlpool. But its going no where, it just holds too many thoughts, too many memories. Sometimes I wish it didn't exist, but its such a big part in my life you know? When someone affects your life that much, its hard to forget their face. Haha.


Honestly God, where did I go wrong? Actually I know where and when and how... how do I move on? How do I move forward? Its kinda hard, actually it is hard. But I don't want to be separated from you, ever. Just thinking about hell breaks my heart that I will eternally separated. Just too painful. I can tell why you say there will be gnashing of teethes. I rather burn in fire than feel the pain of separation. The pain of no embrace, the pain of no love. I want to be there, by your side, laughing, crying, joyfully dancing up and down. Bouncing off walls, like a little kid, as he receives a simple present. I want to get excited again, to be that little guy.

Making so many mistakes, making so many scars and wounds.., its as if I try to get rid of these scars by making more scars. There was that one saying about pain, "If you have pain in left leg, hit your right leg, so you think about the pain in your right leg instead of your left." Maybe this is exactly what I am doing, but now its to the point where I got no where to hurt, except my limited heart. I wish I could change, I wish I could be so much stronger. But I know I am weak, thats why I depend on you so much.

I tend to keep crawling back and back, always remembering that you are there for me, no matter what, ready to forgive and embrace me. Its reassuring, but maybe its a human thing where we know something so we will do it any ways. "STOP" is what I see, is what I hear, but I don't obey. Its quite interesting, I remember my mother telling me to stop doing this and that, and I would stop. but when you tell me to stop, i don't listen.

Is it because i made your voice so foreign? I even listen to her voice, the one that i look up to, when she tells me to do something, i do it. But with you, its like obedience doesn't even fit. Maybe I'm broken, maybe I'm missing a leg, or two.

Drifting apart from the one you love is painful, too much pain that causes me to go into despair. "Rely on your friends, they can help you." What if its your friends that are causing the problem? "Rely on your family, they can help you." What if its your family that is causing the problems? "Rely on God, He can help you." What if you forgot how to rely on Him? What if you forgot how to rely in general?

When one is lost, how is he found, when no one comes to look for Him? When one is lost, how does he come back home without a map, or even a memory of his house? I don't even remember what it looks like. It seems like, every minute of breath I take, every minute that passes by, I just don't glorify you, nor praise you.

I mean look at me right now, laying in bed, listening to praise and worship, trying to get back on track with you, trying to walk the road you called me to. But I know when I wake up tomorrow, it will be different, and this difference is what causes me to reset and start all over again from square 1.

I wish I can just "save" where I'm at, and come to it again tomorrow, just like a game. but life isn't as simple like that, and its not advanced like that either. I want to feel it again... the excitement, the joy, the happiness that was pouring over my very soul. The freedom song, the freedom dance, the freedom laughter, all combined into 1 single thing, and that was TRUE LOVE, given by LOVE itself.

God when I talk to you, I know you listen. But whenever you try to answer, i just throw it out the window saying "THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANT!", but who am I to say that to you... I should be obliterated from the face of the earth, just by raising my voice to you. I see your mercy through it, your grace through it, your love. But how far I've fallen.

I know humans will fail me, I know trusting humans 100% is not possible, i know there will be doubt in them, and in myself. Cause we can lie, we can betray, we can use-and-toss away things after we are done with them. But with you, you never fail, not disappoint, never use-and-toss away. You're always the same, exactly as I remember. Honestly how great is your love.

------------------
Do you remember our late night convo's. Honestly I cherish them a lot, more than you know.... more than you will ever know. You asked me once "Why are so far apart, when we are so close?" its cause I don't want you to get hurt by me, or even know about my past, even though you think you know, there are things still to tell. If i were to tell you, show you.... I'm scared you won't even look at me, or even call out my name. So scared to lose something that isn't even mine. But I love hanging out, I love talking, I love it! You just don't know haha. I'm so ninja ain't I? haha, I remember one night, I didn't know what I was supposed to do, and we just kinda sat in silence, then i decided to leave, but I wanted to stay longer, even though we wouldn't talk. Its interesting isn't? No matter how icy, cold, heartless I get, you seem to know so much about me, that you just know where to turn up the heat in my soul. I thank you for that. You listen, you speak, you give advice, you pray. Its pretty much just too AWESOME in my eyes.

Because I'm in a battlefield, doesn't mean that love can't bloom. Just because I am fighthing, doesn't mean I can't love. Just because I fall every minute of my life, doesn't mean I will stop loving. No.... no matter where I go, no matter where I stand, no matter how much weight is upon me, I will always remember the love you showed me, the loved you proved to me, and the love you gave me.

Yes, the beautiful love, its the same, just as I remember.

Yes, friend, I love you, there I said it, I love you, I think about you, I care about you, I don't care what people will say, or what others will say about me, its not that I don't "care", its just that it won't stop me from loving. Loving is not a sin, right?
But honestly there is something better, someone better!

------------------

But Lord, I know that sometimes being single is lonely, I know that being alone is very tiresome on the heart, because it carries a lot of weight, for something so little. Keep my heart in purity, that I may walk in all you have for me. Lord, I will always remember the love you showed me, that changed me, that continues to transform me. I'm so sorry that it has taken me more than a year to realize it again, from where you brought me from, and where I am now.

Lord, I will.... I will always remember forever and ever.

So Jin... always remember.