Always Remember

Good evening gmail blogger :D, I haven't wrote on here for a while ^^

I remember having those long night talks, well actually they weren't very long haha, always ended before 10pm. I remember while chatting here and there, I would say to myself "Dang, you got lots of friends!" or like "POPULAR!" haha. Its quite interesting how things turned up, interesting indeed. I keep asking this question in my head, "What do I truly feel?"

Honestly... what do I truly feel? I can't tell... or is it that I just don't want to face the truth? Perhaps I am scared. Its just that I keep lying to myself yah? LOL. I still don't know.

Christmas was quite a interesting one this year for myself. Coughing, sick, fun. Yet it didn't really feel like "Christmas", it felt like usual, the same kind of Christmas that I usually have :D. Which is really restful.

I tried changing things up, but you know, it didn't really work out that way. I can recall thinking about calling you and saying "MERRRRRRRY CHRISTMAS!", but I was like "nah, its troublesome to you. It'll bother you." Even though I know if I told you that, you wouldn't say its bothersome to you, but I know it is.

Now new years is coming along, always around the same time, always around the same month, and always around the same weather. It seems like I'm in this cycle, in this weird 365.25 day cycle. But for some reason, everyday is different, too different to call it similar to yesterday or even the past.

I wonder where this feeling has been hiding, or was I just too numb to realize it?

There are thoughts flowing in my head that starts to swirl, like a whirlpool. But its going no where, it just holds too many thoughts, too many memories. Sometimes I wish it didn't exist, but its such a big part in my life you know? When someone affects your life that much, its hard to forget their face. Haha.


Honestly God, where did I go wrong? Actually I know where and when and how... how do I move on? How do I move forward? Its kinda hard, actually it is hard. But I don't want to be separated from you, ever. Just thinking about hell breaks my heart that I will eternally separated. Just too painful. I can tell why you say there will be gnashing of teethes. I rather burn in fire than feel the pain of separation. The pain of no embrace, the pain of no love. I want to be there, by your side, laughing, crying, joyfully dancing up and down. Bouncing off walls, like a little kid, as he receives a simple present. I want to get excited again, to be that little guy.

Making so many mistakes, making so many scars and wounds.., its as if I try to get rid of these scars by making more scars. There was that one saying about pain, "If you have pain in left leg, hit your right leg, so you think about the pain in your right leg instead of your left." Maybe this is exactly what I am doing, but now its to the point where I got no where to hurt, except my limited heart. I wish I could change, I wish I could be so much stronger. But I know I am weak, thats why I depend on you so much.

I tend to keep crawling back and back, always remembering that you are there for me, no matter what, ready to forgive and embrace me. Its reassuring, but maybe its a human thing where we know something so we will do it any ways. "STOP" is what I see, is what I hear, but I don't obey. Its quite interesting, I remember my mother telling me to stop doing this and that, and I would stop. but when you tell me to stop, i don't listen.

Is it because i made your voice so foreign? I even listen to her voice, the one that i look up to, when she tells me to do something, i do it. But with you, its like obedience doesn't even fit. Maybe I'm broken, maybe I'm missing a leg, or two.

Drifting apart from the one you love is painful, too much pain that causes me to go into despair. "Rely on your friends, they can help you." What if its your friends that are causing the problem? "Rely on your family, they can help you." What if its your family that is causing the problems? "Rely on God, He can help you." What if you forgot how to rely on Him? What if you forgot how to rely in general?

When one is lost, how is he found, when no one comes to look for Him? When one is lost, how does he come back home without a map, or even a memory of his house? I don't even remember what it looks like. It seems like, every minute of breath I take, every minute that passes by, I just don't glorify you, nor praise you.

I mean look at me right now, laying in bed, listening to praise and worship, trying to get back on track with you, trying to walk the road you called me to. But I know when I wake up tomorrow, it will be different, and this difference is what causes me to reset and start all over again from square 1.

I wish I can just "save" where I'm at, and come to it again tomorrow, just like a game. but life isn't as simple like that, and its not advanced like that either. I want to feel it again... the excitement, the joy, the happiness that was pouring over my very soul. The freedom song, the freedom dance, the freedom laughter, all combined into 1 single thing, and that was TRUE LOVE, given by LOVE itself.

God when I talk to you, I know you listen. But whenever you try to answer, i just throw it out the window saying "THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANT!", but who am I to say that to you... I should be obliterated from the face of the earth, just by raising my voice to you. I see your mercy through it, your grace through it, your love. But how far I've fallen.

I know humans will fail me, I know trusting humans 100% is not possible, i know there will be doubt in them, and in myself. Cause we can lie, we can betray, we can use-and-toss away things after we are done with them. But with you, you never fail, not disappoint, never use-and-toss away. You're always the same, exactly as I remember. Honestly how great is your love.

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Do you remember our late night convo's. Honestly I cherish them a lot, more than you know.... more than you will ever know. You asked me once "Why are so far apart, when we are so close?" its cause I don't want you to get hurt by me, or even know about my past, even though you think you know, there are things still to tell. If i were to tell you, show you.... I'm scared you won't even look at me, or even call out my name. So scared to lose something that isn't even mine. But I love hanging out, I love talking, I love it! You just don't know haha. I'm so ninja ain't I? haha, I remember one night, I didn't know what I was supposed to do, and we just kinda sat in silence, then i decided to leave, but I wanted to stay longer, even though we wouldn't talk. Its interesting isn't? No matter how icy, cold, heartless I get, you seem to know so much about me, that you just know where to turn up the heat in my soul. I thank you for that. You listen, you speak, you give advice, you pray. Its pretty much just too AWESOME in my eyes.

Because I'm in a battlefield, doesn't mean that love can't bloom. Just because I am fighthing, doesn't mean I can't love. Just because I fall every minute of my life, doesn't mean I will stop loving. No.... no matter where I go, no matter where I stand, no matter how much weight is upon me, I will always remember the love you showed me, the loved you proved to me, and the love you gave me.

Yes, the beautiful love, its the same, just as I remember.

Yes, friend, I love you, there I said it, I love you, I think about you, I care about you, I don't care what people will say, or what others will say about me, its not that I don't "care", its just that it won't stop me from loving. Loving is not a sin, right?
But honestly there is something better, someone better!

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But Lord, I know that sometimes being single is lonely, I know that being alone is very tiresome on the heart, because it carries a lot of weight, for something so little. Keep my heart in purity, that I may walk in all you have for me. Lord, I will always remember the love you showed me, that changed me, that continues to transform me. I'm so sorry that it has taken me more than a year to realize it again, from where you brought me from, and where I am now.

Lord, I will.... I will always remember forever and ever.

So Jin... always remember.

Illusions

Have you ever heard a person say "I love that illusion"? I have.

Its interesting how illusions work, they deceive your eyes, your thoughts, almost to the point where you see something else. Something different.

The Oxford dictionary on the Mac defines illusion as a deceptive appearance or impression.

Now that's interesting definition. A deceptive appearance or impression. Honestly I ask myself right now, "Jin are you just an illusion?" Or "Is your appearance and your impression deceiving people right now as I write this?"

I look into the mirror of truth and it tells me that "You are you, they are they, he is he, and she is she. Look harder, what do you see?" Or something like that.

What is this impression anyways, what is this appearance?... "Different" you say? Doesn't everyone have their difference? Can the difference of the person really tell you who they truly are? I don't think it can. Does it define the person? I don't think it can.

Is your impression, your appearance an illusion as well? An illusion to me? To your friends? To the world?...

Your friend might say "Comon, be real with me." And you respond, "I am real." Or your friends might assume what they know of you is true. Surely they might think that, but is what you are truly real? I don't know, cause I'm not you. You know in your heart what you truly show and what you truly WANT to show.

How many times have I deceived you by smiling and laughing at everything? Maybe once too many. Can I truly see whats going on in me? I probably can, but I sometimes refuse to look at it, cause I like to see these illusions. These strips of reality, these different forms of nature. What brings about this desire? Maybe acceptance, maybe comfort, maybe its just what I desire... or maybe its just that its fun to act this way, who knows...

But there is a black hole in the middle of this illusion, it sucks in anything, everything, and never spits it back out. Why? Because the amount of POWER the illusion has, the amount it will radiate to others, causing others to fall into that illusion as well. Sooner or later, how can you trust anyone near you? Around you? In front of you?.... "I am with you, don't worry. You can trust me." I can say this too, very easily in fact, but I can say it to the point where I don't mean it at all. When I say this, does it sound like it has meaning or does it feel fake to you? What causes this type of typing, what causes this type of doubt. Can you truly trust a person that used people, that back stabbed people, that took revenge on people?

"I can... no problem for me." What is going to happen if THIS happens to you? Can you truly trust again? Or will you be more careful, more secure, more suspicious to trust another.

What you see now, is it real or is it an illusion? Is it reality or a fantasy? Does it seem real? If so, is it truly real, or is it what you just want to think or want to feel. What causes people to see the world differently than others? What causes people's desires to become toxic and twisted?

Why does it seem like to one person its not a big problem, but to others its a BIG problem?... Just as the moon has two faces, do I have two faces? What if the face I have been wearing hasn't been me all this time? What brings about the real face, what truly makes it all one face in the end?

Am I a monster? Am I a freak? Or am I simply messed up and twisted?

Birds with broken wings, can they truly fly again? When do those wings heal? Do they ever? What if its been forcefully cut off? Where there is a blood trail wherever you go... Do I even wish to fly anymore? Do I even wish to soar in the sky, above the clouds, with no worries, no doubts of me falling, cause these wings can support me? Do they even support me? Does confusion lead to more confusion, or does it simply mean there isn't a answer to it yet.

What am I? Human? Sinner? Violator? Destroyer? Or simply a boy, a man?
What is this air that I breathe, what is this thick cloud of muggy air? Is it just cause of my lungs? Or is it really something around me, bringing about this smog, this smoke that creates a wall between reality and illusion.

Is the mirror truly reflecting me? I hear "You're okay. You're decent. You're alright. You're good." Why is it that when I hear this, I hear another voice say, "Liar..." Why does this voice sound so familiar? What is this battlefield, this pool of blood and dead bodies floating underneath me?

Am I in the past? Am I in the present? Or is it mixed to the point where I'm stuck in the middle of past, present, and future?

Can all these illusions bring ONE THING to reality? Just like 100 pennies make a dollar, can 100 illusions make one thing real? Can 1000 illusions? 1 million? Who knows.... [don't care].


"I know you, you're different. I know you are." How can you say this even if you don't see what is truly here in front of you? How can I see you as well? "You're not the same as yesterday, cause today is a different day." Today is a different day? Really? Then why does it feel like I'm redoing everything I did yesterday [a.k.a. today]?

"You can do it! I believe you!" Ha, believe me? Are you pulling my leg? I can do it? Are you ****ing me? I can't believe these words that come to pass my ears.

I give myself things, gift myself with things... why is that? I don't know. Why is everything the same? Why is everything not changing? How can I do something about this? How am I supposed to react to it? If what I see is an illusion... or is it really reality?

What I see in you, is it real? Or is it just fantasy? What breaks my mind? Is it my time? Or is it just cause I can't see the line? What brings about my fears? What brings about these tears? What I feel, is it the rain or is it the continuous beating causing pain? Are all these things just an illusion? This impression, this deception, this possession, this foundation, this ration, this passion, this confession, this progression, this manifestation, this action,.... this tension, what is it? Illusion or reality? Fake or real? Lie or truth? Hopefully this exhibition will end causing a live explosion.
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And this is how it feels when i ignore the words you spoke to me. And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you. And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore, and this is what I choose when it's all left up to me. Breathe your life into me, I can feel you, I'm falling... falling faster! Breathe your life into me. I still need you. I'm falling, falling.... breathe into me, breathe into me.

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge. And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground. And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain. And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away.

Breathe your life into me, I can feel you. I'm falling... falling faster. Breathe your life into me, I still need you. I'm falling, falling... breathe into me, breathe into me, breathe into me, breathe into me....

You will find that I'm everywhere your going I'm all the places will not be. You will find that I'm everywhere your going I'm all the things you wanna be.


Can you believe this is just an illusion?

The rain that doesn't fall

** Skip this part, its just random mind blogging **
Have you guys had one of those days when you are just crying inside, but the tears won't come out?

The days when you really just want to break free from all the chains, from all the burdens and be free from this world?

I had one of those days. It was awesome spending time with people and also watching a movie with a great friend of mine. But how much do these things mean to me? There is a QUESTION that runs through my mind over and over again. "Jin, Do you really love the sheep?"

If I really did love the sheep, then my actions will also prove it. Remember its whats INSIDE that will come OUTSIDE. So if I really do love my neighbors, my brothers, my sisters... my neighbors, then clearly my actions will show it.

I was getting a haircut today and the girl that was cutting my hair today was gorgeous, remarkably beautiful and outstanding at her profession. Immediately as I walked through the door, the girl appears and asks "What can I do for you today?" And I responded, "I need a haircut. Really badly!" And she IMMEDIATELY got me seated and got ready to cut my hair. But before she cut it, she says "Before I start cutting your hair, can I see your tattoo?" And I said sure, and I explained it to her and it was just remarkable on how great God's creation could be! I'm not saying she was PERFECT at everything. But as she was cutting my hair, I was thinking to myself "I won't be able to cut people's hair... I wonder how strong her passion is for her job?"

And very honestly speaking, she had a lot of passion for her profession. And I was amazed at her zeal for it. So we talked about some stuff to kill time and it worked. After I was done, she was like saying "Its kinda nice being alone and just cutting someones hair."

And when I started to wonder, what does she do on her free time besides work? What do I do on my free time besides study/work/EPIC/hang out/sleep/spend time with God/etc. What do I do?

I soon came home, took a shower and I realized that what I love is what I love, I can't help it nor can I ignore it. That would just be foolish of me to just think that everything is just emotions and part of my mind.

Sometimes the HEART does things that YOU don't want it to do, sometimes YOU do things that your HEART doesn't want you to do as well.

I'm trying to understand why we all want to WORK towards something, that we have to GAIN something. Honestly when I think about it, I see myself WORKING my knees to the point where I am dry, like a twig ready to be thrown into a furnace.

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The great news of this time is that no matter how far I run, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I gain, it will never give me salvation! Why is this a good news you ask? Good question, its because salvation is given for free, its given through grace. Its given through something thats called GRACE. And that my friend is THE TRUTH!

Yeah, we don't understand it. Yeah, we don't feel like we need when we are doing good. But what about those times when you're in trouble? When you're alone? When you're weeping and crying from pain?

What about those times when we want someone near, someone close, someone to cling onto and hug. To hold. To keep warm. To hold hands with? The times when we desire love? The times when we desire friendship? Why do we desire these things, especially when we have so many things, like clothes, money, houses, laptops, computers?

Its because the things we have "worked" for is nothing but temporary happiness, temporary joy. Temporary passion/zeal. How come PEOPLE keep on desiring something more and more? Its because they desire TRUE LOVE, TRUE GRACE, TRUE TRUTH, TRUE SALVATION, TRUE JOY, TRUE HAPPINESS, TRUE GOOD, TRUE AMAZEMENT, TRUE MANIFESTATION. And if you think you can work for it, that you can "gain" it through your works, you got the wrong idea!

Its already given through the manifestation of the TRUE ONE. The One that IS TRUE LOVE! God Himself! Yeah i don't understand it, but I do know that I need TRUE LOVE in my life, otherwise I wouldn't seek it out in girls, in people, in relationships. Those that don't think they need/want love in their lives are just fooling themselves. Then why do you have friends? Then why do you want to be in a relationship with a girl or a guy? Why do people get married?!

Its because they all desire that intimacy, that amazing intimacy that is offered in TRUE LOVE!

Those that want this kind of love, speak up, raise your hand, now is the time to receive. You can't work for it, you can't earn it or anything.

What son earns to be a son? What son works to be a son? The son is born a son, therefore he is a son. What daughter earns to be a daughter? What daughter works to be a daughter? The daughter is born a daughter, therefore the she is a daughter.

Foolish is the man that thinks he can earn and work for love. Instead wise is the man that knows that love is what is flowing through his works! Which produce good deeds, that even the wicked people will enjoy doing!

When you look at your heart, when you see yourself, your own spirit ask yourself this question, "AM I who I am? Or AM I who you are?"

Blessed are those that search themselves daily, that examine themselves daily and look at themselves with the eyes of Christ and see what Christ sees.

Get Burnt or Get Frozen

The second week of classes/work killed me. Headaches back to back... Can't smile the way I want to, can't speak loudly the way I want to. It seems like when I don't think about classes and work I can have a good time, but as soon as I think of projects, homework, reading, coding, etc. My soul feels so heavy... its whimpering... saying that "its too hard, its too rough, lets quit now before we get burnt and the scar won't go away."

Then I turn to the Lord, and today I saw myself as a beggar in the morning walking towards class. I never realized that most of my prayers I'm begging to ask, begging to seek, begging to knock. I'm a beggar constantly wanting to see Him, be with Him. Begging for my sins to be washed away, begging for a second chance at His Word.

But right [now] I feel blind and frozen. I'm frozen because I can't see the path I'm supposed to walk nor I don't know where "forward" is.

"Would you open up my eyes and show me the light. Take me away from this place. Would you open up my eyes and show me the light, cause I cannot make it alone... I need.. I need You, I need, YES, I need You... to free me."

Now its the third week and I feel a weight beyond measure on my mind, body, and soul. Feel so restless, no matter how much rest I get, I feel like I haven't rested in weeks. Is this the season of non-resting? Is this the season for me to be burnt and look towards God for my energy, my life, my all? Is this the very reason why I feel this way? I don't even know.

I just know I feel like a beggar... sitting... waiting... wishing to be free from this scar, from this pain of being frozen in place.

I feel dehydrated, I feel empty, darkened... I feel sick and weak. Where has my strength gone?!

O' God, my God! Why am I being discouraged when I have You with me? Why do I feel like my body is drying up and about to turn into ash? Why does this heavy layer of fog blind my vision from seeing the glorious light that You radiate? I want to rest in the freedom that You have given me. GUIDE ME to find the joy in You again! I don't want to work salvation out of my knees. I want to receive salvation FOR my knees, so that my soul can finally find rest in You. You know my hearts longs, you know my soul thirsts for more of You. Cause I want is You and all I need is to be here with You my God! I'm so desperate... for Your fire, cause Your my one desire Jesus, so please don't pass me by my God!

I am now

Lord,

You tell me to come to you when I'm weary, when I'm dry, when I'm thirsty, when I'm hungry, when I'm burnt out.

I come to You tonight weary, dry, thirsty, hungry, and burnt out. Bring me back to Your arms. Hold me now.

I don't deserve rest, I don't deserve mercy or grace or love. BUT I WANT IT! I NEED IT!!

I can't do this on my own, I can't even do this if the whole world helped me. Only with You can I survive, only with You can I breathe fresh and clean air.

I wish I could, I wish I was, and I wish I am....
I desire One and Only One thing and that is to be in Your presence. Because I know that if I'm there in Your presence, nothing can shake me, nothing can tear me apart, nothing can defeat the victory that has been won on the cross of calvary!

Lord, teach me and guide me back to Your presence, I feeeeeel so dang alone, I desire to be with You and I desire to bow down in front of Your feet and wash them, as you washed mine!

LORD WILL YOU LEAD ME TO TAKE UP MY CROSS AND FOLLOW WHEREVER YOU GO!, cause, the person I am is now.

Oh How Great is The Mystery

God, first of all, I want to thank You for all that You have done for me and for my family, for my brothers and sisters, and SOON-TO-BE brothers and sisters! Thank you for creating us, loving us, and providing for us! You always hear us when we cry out, you always comfort us when we are alone. Father God, how long I love to dwell in Your presence. Only if this life was long enough for me to even comprehend how wonderful Your peace and joy is. Only if, but there will be a day of everlasting that I am hoping for in our Lord Jesus Christ.

God, I pray that I will start to obey, because for what You have told me today, You told me, "Jin! It doesn't matter how long you walk with me, it matters how long you obey me!" So God, change me, transform me, that I will obey You and not just walk with You Father.

I also pray this for ALL my brothers and sisters out there that too love to serve the Almighty God! Forever let Your presence reign in my life, in my heart, in my mind, and in my strength. Continue break me and rebuild me even stronger just like a muscle. Continue to do your good good good work that you started on 9-8-06.

Father I also pray for those that have lost brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, daughters, and sons, and all that is in between. For 9-11 has been a tragic day for those that have lost lives! God come to those and comfort those that are in need of Your presence, which is EVERYONE! Lord, let Your heaven break loose in their lives and in our lives as well, as well in mine! Heed to our call of rescue, listen to us when we are in trouble, for trouble is always coming our way! But by Your strength we are able to stand tall and continue to run this race as if I am a athlete!

Father God and Lord Jesus Christ, thank You for everything and continue to draw me closer to You and Your dwelling place. Give me dreams, desires, hopes, needs, and wants of Your Perfect Love!

Amen!

Everything I Need

Jesus You're everything I need. Honestly Lord, the prayer I prayed... thank you for just letting me open up my heart, once again, to You. It was so just refreshing and so awesome.

Thank You for accepting my package. You're everything I need and everything I want.

Continue to use me and continue to do what you do best, Father me :D

Love You LORD, and forever I will be Yours. Because You are mine.

A tornado without wind

Have you guys had one of those days when you look out into the distant space all you see is just confusion and questions? When the last time you saw something joyful and something where your able to laugh at? I'm having one of those days today. Honestly its a day where a lot of questions of honest truth comes into play. What do I truly want to do? What is something I MUST do? What I am doing right now, is it really the right time to be doing what I am doing? Who knows... I don't even know myself. But if I got something to do, if I got something I MUST finish, then I don't have time to put my head down... no I don't... I MUST look forward. If I can't live in the present, then I can't live in the future. If there is no future, then there is no present and no longer will I be here.

I want to live beyond my imagination. I want to live to my fullest, yet I feel like whenever I get close, I always fall.

The more I get near, the more I'm struck with fear. I start to myself, the real ME, reflected back when I stare into Your eyes. I'm sorry God, but honestly, You are way too good to me. And THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING

If we set sail in the darkness, of the night, out to the sea, to find me there, to find You there. Love me now, if you dare.

But you did dare to love me, in fact, you died to show that you do love me. And now its my turn to show you that I want to love You genuinely. Bring me back into your arms Lord, bring me back to the First and the Last, and what it means to truly live the extravagant life.

I need You and want You to be my King forever. But more than just that, i just want to get to know more and more about You Lord. So please, don't hide Your presence from me, instead meet me here tonight and become my dreams, so that I'll be calling Your name. You are my love, my love...

Getting Started

I haven't used this blog in forever cause I used to use xanga, but now rededicated to this blog.
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Waking up to such a beautiful day makes me feel so relaxed. Yet when I woke up, I found myself in the arms of Love. Being hold tightly and it was very interesting that He told me what was about to happen in the morning and that I just had to pray. Which I did. After that, I fell back into sleep, then I woke up and I just felt a sudden peace and joy in my heart.

In a very long time, I haven’t felt this peace and joy while waking up.

But this, is the very peace and joy that first awoke me to Life, Love, and the Truth.