So easy = so tempting

Good day blogger,

I've been dealing with a certain issue for quite a while. And the issue is my past... its so tempting to go back, so easy to go back. To being cold hearted, letting no one near, making sure that I am left alone and not thought of by anyone. Slowly I've been catching myself doing this, letting no one near, starting to have a cold heart... the reason I want to go back to it is because when you don't care about anything, nothing matters to you in the world, nor in your life.

Some part of me, i would call it devil jin, wants to stop caring for you everyone, wants to stop thinking about everyone and wants to cut communications off. But there is this one part of me that loves to care, that loves to think and that loves to have that communication.

My soul is aching, my heart is burning with a fire cold as ice, and my dreams are nagging on me.


But when I look at the sky and the clouds and all that is above, my mind goes blank, my heart stops beating, and the ache in my soul becomes numb.

Glimpse of Protection

[[ This is to take a break from Physics :D ]]

I'm sitting here listening to music and my mind started to wander off as soon as I finished my last section.

I was thinking about what I wanted to protect. What is important to me, so much, that I would want to protect it. The first thing that popped into my head was a girl. Someone I wanted to protect, someone I wanted to show that I can be there, only if she allowed.

I remember a storming night for myself in this very room. I was sitting just like this. But that night is when I found out I couldn't protect her, I couldn't protect anyone. I felt powerless, so weak, so fragile that even if I went over to withstand the hits of emotions and fear I would break from them.

The very interesting part of this is that the one that is protecting is sometimes the ones that wants protection. That night, it rained... it was flooding and emotions were riding the waves. The thoughts were sinking into the vast ocean, I couldn't find anything. That's when I got a glimpse of who was protecting me all along. The One that stopped me from going into drastic measures. The One that stopped me from slitting my own throat. Yes, it was The One that was protecting me.

Now I sit here being protected constantly. And I wondered what I could protect, who I could protect and what for. There are many things out there that I could protect, yet why is it that only a few things pop up in mind?

Is it cause I cherish that? Cherish them? I would like to think so. They lovely people, interesting people, fascinating, and they seem to love me back as well. If I could, I would. But its too late for that now, its too late. So I gotta search in another place.

There are nights, many nights that I wish reality was a dream and the dream was the reality. That sometimes, all I saw was a possibility of the future. But I don't have control over these kinds of situations.

I wish to take back what I started, I wish to take back what happened that night.

My heart is like a tornado, swirling, over and over again. Constantly wrapping over and over, shielding itself from other things, from other people. Its breaking me apart, slowly, gently, sooner or later, all that will be left of me will be a whisper in the wind of how I want to say a few words to certain people. To maybe prove to myself that I could, also, protect someone.

Whether I see or hear, whether I speak or listen, whether I move or stay still, I have constantly thought about these thoughts of "What if" with many things. Sometimes I like to day dream about the "What if"'s and see how far my imagination goes 'til I collapse from thinking too far.

Now as I look outside the window, the dark sky shines down on me. Hovering over me, constantly on watch, just like a guard. As it protects me from harm, I feel warm.

Because of certain occurrences, it has limited me from getting closer to you, from getting to know, and it has caused me to fear you. Fear the love that you give, that you offer, and the love that live. The reason I fear it, is because its addicting. And because of these occurrences, I now have lost the very opportunity to see what it will feel like, to see what it will happen... in this situation I am not fine... in this situation all I can do is just cry.

I can no longer protect another person, this is my glimpse of protection.

You always asked me why?

You wanted to know why, so you kept on asking me.

Why? Why did I go that far? Why didn't I stop?

I do crazy things when I'm in love, I am crazy cause I am in love. Nothing really matters to me because of love. I just can't help it!

So I'm sorry, blame me, hurt me, seize me from my own grief. Rebel, confront me your pain and your suffering. GO! Ask me again why? So that I can say that I love you.

Seeing you, hearing you, speaking to you, watching you, looking into your eyes made my head go clear, made my mind sink into the valley of an ocean. I can't think straight when your near me, when you speaking to me, my insides feel all fuzzy like a teddy bear and I can't seem to get my words straight!

Its all because I like you, maybe.......... maybe its something else.. I don;t know, what is happening to me my agent? Where are you my agent?

I TRIPLE DOUBLE FREAKING DARE YOU TO ASK ME WHY!

so that I can say those 3 words again,

"I love you."


Sometimes I do crazy things when I'm in love.

Like this blog :D

Day 2 - The Purpose of Purpose

I questioned myself why does this word hold such a huge meaning in my life. Why does it bother me when I don't know the answer..

PURPOSE:

The reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. A person's sense of resolve or determination.

That is the definition taken from my MacBook dictionary.

"Why does this word bring so much power?"
- The answer is because it can make a person realize what he/she exists for, what he/she can do, what he/she was created for. Its the power of a resolve that can bring a change. A determination to finish what you haven't even started or just begun.

For today, I have struggled what MY PURPOSE is... as I was thinking about it I laid down all these things that holds the possibilities of my purpose right now.

1. College Student
2. Computer Science (my major)
3. God

My purpose of being a college student was because of God! So it can't be the college student.
My purpose of being a CS major was because of being a college student. So it can't be my major.

So what then is my purpose?.... only one left, God Himself.

When i was really analyzing through these, nothing else brought a smile to my face besides chasing after God Himself. My purpose for this word "purpose" is God. My purpose, my reason, my determination, my resolve, my answer in life for myself is God.

It seems so weird to analyze myself like this, but after struggling through it. To me, it seems like the only thing that I can really consider myself doing is something that deals with God. Something for a church, evangelism, something for God. Computer Science for God? Maybe being the IT at a church or something. I don't need some awesome income (even though that would be nice), but I really want to do something for God.

Just not sure what He has in store for me. I am trusting in Him that He will really show me the path soon, before this Friday. Or after this event that is going on. Maybe through this, I will finally understand what it means to live my life for God. Cause isn't that the meaning of "purpose". To understand what I exist for? That is the question in which everyone finds a stump on, why? Because its in direct correlation to the question that asks "What is the meaning of life?"...

I will find this answer very soon I feel. And when I do, I will announce it. My purpose, my dreams, my goals, my everything, will be put into this THING, this ANSWER, this RESOLVE!

So there it is, the purpose of purpose for Jin Yi.

To Know

Today with 3 other great people, I started something that I knew I was going to struggle in. Even though I laughed saying these things, beyond that laughter, I was scared. Still am scared. How am I supposed to keep on keeping on? To me, its almost impossible.

While thinking about all of this, it made me think about my past, think about who I was what I used to do. Its strange that from my past, I still carried these habits of gaming, of watching anime, of saying interesting words. Not saying those are bad things, but I want to change the habits from gaming to loving, from watching anime to understanding, from saying to listening.

Maybe through this experience of just relying on God, relying on Him will cause me to just come to a ultimate realization. A great realization where I will finally know that I don't need these things in my life to have joy and live a abundant life. I know that, You Lord, came down to give me abundant life, but there are days, many days where I just do something else, because of the instant satisfaction that only lasts a couple hours. I hope that through this you will free me, release me from this demonic hold Lord. Crucify it on the cross, tear down the walls that hold me back from you, and release a flow of water that will wash away sins Lord.


A single name holds many things about a person, a single name can identify many things about a person. I WANT to do this to know Your name. I CHOSE to do this.. to know Your name.

So Lord, let me know that Your name came and set me free, that I'm forgiven and alive in You. That Your glory is in me and that I can forever believe that You are my King. Let me know that Your name caught my heart with Your truth and Your righteousness, where Your grace captivated my heart and overcame my brokenness. To know Your name that delivered me Your Spirit, to be led by Your Word, to know that Your love will never fail.

"'Cause I know You gave, the World Your only Son for us to know Your name, to live within the Saviours love and He took my place, knowing He'd be crucified and you loved... you loved, a people undeserving!" --Hillsong - To Know Your Name.

Lord, keep me in Your arms so that I can get to Know Your name.

-Jin Yi

Good Joy

This afternoon I woke up to a text message asking me if I wanted to get some food. Of course I would get some food! So get ready, headed out to the lunch and ate as much I could. Eventually food coma came, but I overcame it!

I love the deep talks that come up during the time of eating. I learn new things about them, eventually things just to flow naturally and we share things. Its nice to hear and to respond. And its nice to talk while they listen :D

Soon after eating, I went to the library with a great company with me. Studying math was brutal, but I accomplished what I needed to do today. Even though it seems like my day just began, it is soon ending. But its not the ending that I am looking forwards to, its the good joy that comes at the end of the day.

The feeling of getting to know someone just by spending some time, doesn't need to be quality time or "deep-talk" time, but just time with them. You learn things about them, eventually you start to see more of their heart and thats when it all counts. That I went through this day, accomplishing things, and getting to know someone more really made it all worth it. And I know when I am going to lay down in my bed I am going to say "Thank you God." Because spending time with people, for some reason, brings good joy to my heart. Not just people, but also with God. Seeing how God would just talk to me and tell me, its so fascinating!

But tonight's end will bring good joy. Good joy to my heart, mind and soul. How could I not praise God for this?! I gotta be a fool haha.

Meeting beautiful people, seeing beautiful things, and seeing the beauty of beauty, is more than beautiful itself. I hope that I continue to see things like this as the hours come by. Cause in a few hours, a new day will start, which creates a new story that is to be told. And I hope tomorrow's story will be beautiful as today's or even better :D

God is good because He provides me the Good Joy that makes me smile a mile long and that makes me love more.

God is good always. Always God is good.
Now come close and listen to this story.