Glimpse of Protection

[[ This is to take a break from Physics :D ]]

I'm sitting here listening to music and my mind started to wander off as soon as I finished my last section.

I was thinking about what I wanted to protect. What is important to me, so much, that I would want to protect it. The first thing that popped into my head was a girl. Someone I wanted to protect, someone I wanted to show that I can be there, only if she allowed.

I remember a storming night for myself in this very room. I was sitting just like this. But that night is when I found out I couldn't protect her, I couldn't protect anyone. I felt powerless, so weak, so fragile that even if I went over to withstand the hits of emotions and fear I would break from them.

The very interesting part of this is that the one that is protecting is sometimes the ones that wants protection. That night, it rained... it was flooding and emotions were riding the waves. The thoughts were sinking into the vast ocean, I couldn't find anything. That's when I got a glimpse of who was protecting me all along. The One that stopped me from going into drastic measures. The One that stopped me from slitting my own throat. Yes, it was The One that was protecting me.

Now I sit here being protected constantly. And I wondered what I could protect, who I could protect and what for. There are many things out there that I could protect, yet why is it that only a few things pop up in mind?

Is it cause I cherish that? Cherish them? I would like to think so. They lovely people, interesting people, fascinating, and they seem to love me back as well. If I could, I would. But its too late for that now, its too late. So I gotta search in another place.

There are nights, many nights that I wish reality was a dream and the dream was the reality. That sometimes, all I saw was a possibility of the future. But I don't have control over these kinds of situations.

I wish to take back what I started, I wish to take back what happened that night.

My heart is like a tornado, swirling, over and over again. Constantly wrapping over and over, shielding itself from other things, from other people. Its breaking me apart, slowly, gently, sooner or later, all that will be left of me will be a whisper in the wind of how I want to say a few words to certain people. To maybe prove to myself that I could, also, protect someone.

Whether I see or hear, whether I speak or listen, whether I move or stay still, I have constantly thought about these thoughts of "What if" with many things. Sometimes I like to day dream about the "What if"'s and see how far my imagination goes 'til I collapse from thinking too far.

Now as I look outside the window, the dark sky shines down on me. Hovering over me, constantly on watch, just like a guard. As it protects me from harm, I feel warm.

Because of certain occurrences, it has limited me from getting closer to you, from getting to know, and it has caused me to fear you. Fear the love that you give, that you offer, and the love that live. The reason I fear it, is because its addicting. And because of these occurrences, I now have lost the very opportunity to see what it will feel like, to see what it will happen... in this situation I am not fine... in this situation all I can do is just cry.

I can no longer protect another person, this is my glimpse of protection.